Wanting to Run. Choosing to Stay.

I have always known that I don't want to work for someone for the rest of my life. I am either going to start my own business or invest in property or do both, but I am not going to be a lifelong employee. I am going to create jobs for the masses. This has been decided for as long as I can remember. I have old notebooks filled with business ideas and some pretty good ones even though they are in the undeveloped handwriting of a 10 year old.

You see the plan had always been to get a job and put some money aside into my own business and then do both alongside. I would only ever quit my job when the business was doing well enough to support a reasonable lifestyle, then I would put all my time and energy into it.

Lately as I have been going through this process of finding my job, I have found myself in a place where I felt frustrated as you may have guessed. And I have felt frustrated enough to contemplate giving up. I find myself questioning why I am trying to prove myself to these recruiters. Why don’t I just make my dream come true now? Yes it will be harder in the beginning, but then I will be fine.

This seems like a sensible enough path to go down. If it is what I plan on doing with my life, what am I waiting for? The only problem is I begin to wonder why the sudden change of plan.

Would I be going down this new path because I felt that’s where God wanted me to be?

Would it be me being brave and adventurous?

Or is it me trying to run away from having to go through this job finding process?

Is it me being afraid that maybe I can’t get a job? What if I’m not good enough?

To be honest, I have my moments of insecurities. I think one of the reasons I really just want to start my business is because I am afraid and I feel inadequate. I wonder if anyone will see enough worth in me to hire me. The only problem is what if I go down this path of starting my own business and when it gets tough and I get scared, I run unto another path and I keep running from dream to dream never really achieving anything.

I have faced difficult moments in my life and I have persevered and I can honestly say that I love the person that came out of that. I know who I am right now and I enjoy that person. So I don’t want to run away from this process because I am tired, frustrated or even worse because I am afraid. If it’s what I have to go through, I will go through it and hopefully love the person that comes out even more.

I have settled on my original plan until God says different, At present, I am extremely aware of the fact that I have financial goals and I can’t afford to be as adventurous and as childlike I as I would like to be. If God directs me in the path of starting my business, I know that he will meet all my needs, but in the meantime I am not running away from the big scary job people, so I guess I better get serious about those applications.

To those that are going through a similar experience…hang in there :)

And remember it’s all worth it because “3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. 4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.” (Romans 5: 3 – 4)


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