Tired of Hoping...?

As you already know, I recently quit my job without another job to go to. If you missed that story, you can read all about it here. And as expected, I've started looking for a new job. It's been years since I've been through the process of updating my CV, applying for job after job without hearing anything back, or dealing with rejection when I actually hear back. Then there's the fun that is interview preparation. Basically, I forgot how much work it is to find a job.

And despite all of that, this job search hasn't been bad. It has been a faith-filled process. I don't mean that in the sense that I've had to preach the word to myself and build up my faith as I attempt to push back concerns and fears about depleting savings and extended unemployment. I mean, despite ongoing CV updates, despite job applications getting lost in the proverbial black hole and despite the rejections from those who did come back to me, there is a faith that is rising up in me. A faith that won't let me descend into worry. I can't get past the truth that God is ordering my steps and He has a new job in store for me.

This season has been governed by a calm that I literally cannot explain. And it has been exciting. I find myself in a place where I am exploring new career options and styles of working. I don't know what's next, and I'm not even sure I know what I want, but I am open to anything that God might have for me. I know and trust that God is bringing me into a new lifestyle. To be on the precipice of change has been invigorating. That is until something happened to disturb the calm.

I had my first interview since leaving my last job. It was my first interview in years and it was amazing! I went into the room like it was a meeting and I was the attending expert. I was myself, I was comfortable and I was capable. You could say this renewed confidence is due to the fact that I'm more established in my career as opposed to the girl that was fresh out of uni and trying to prove herself in my early job search, but I don't think that's it. I think I sat in that interview with the understanding that God had a job set apart for me, so I didn't need to try and impress out of my own skill. What was mine, would be mine and at the end of the interview, I had decided the job was mine. This job was a combination of my current work experience and my past sales career, the interviewers seemed to like me and the salary increase would have been a testimony worth telling. I had written the narrative of what God was doing and I was now waiting for its manifestation.

And I was waiting and still waiting. For some reason, the interviewers seemed to be taking a long while progressing me to the next stage. Late one afternoon, I sat at my keyboard worshipping and I found myself realising that I wasn't going to get the job. Within the hour, my phone rang. It was the recruiter. I didn't get the job. There was a lot of flowery stuff in between about how much they liked me and that's why they took so long making the decision. They decided to go with someone who had prior experience in that role. I went through the pleasantries, got off the phone, sat on my sofa and let doubt creep its way in.

As much as I had been warned before the phone call, I was still shocked. I was hurt. Not because the job was amazing, but because my narrative was falling apart. And I couldn't even blame God for that. I had jumped to conclusions. I decided I knew what His plan was and I planned out my testimony all by myself. No one to blame but me. Yet here I was, disappointed.

At that moment, I did the only thing I could do. I sat on the sofa and let myself feel the disappointment. After that settled, I opened my mouth and I talked to God. I found myself saying that I was tired of hoping. I talked to Him about the worry that was creeping in, about how sorry I was for making assumptions and trying to go ahead of Him. I opened up about how fearful I was about "suddenly" not knowing what was next. Human nature is intriguing. Before I had made presumptions about God's plan for me, I was blissful not knowing what was next. However when I created my own plan, it's failure brought on the fear of the unknown. I see my error in this, but in so many areas of my life I still have to remind myself to stop making presumptions and to trust that God is working things out.

I'm so grateful to serve such a loving and merciful God. Instead of pointing out my faults, He sat with me on the sofa and reminded me that He did have a plan for me. He reminded me that what's mine is already mine; I simply have to trust Him and wait for it to happen. So I talked and I listened, talked some more and listened some more. Basically, I prayed and the more we spoke the more faith rose up in me. The calm is back.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6‭-‬7 (NKJV)

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