Blog Archives | This Girl in 2014

You know how they say to little kids; you can be absolutely anything you want to be. Well, they said it to me to as a child and I believed it. At school, my teachers said that I was exceptional and I believed it. Growing up I knew that God had truly given me more than any person could ask for. I knew that I wasn't mediocre. They said don’t be an actress; you could be a brain surgeon, a lawyer, an engineer. When career choosing time came and people applied for jobs that they had always being told they could do, many found out that they didn't have the grades to even get on the course. I didn't have this problem. I could be anything I wanted.

I was at a point where I knew my story had a happy ending. I was not at my happy ending, I was at that bit in between where too much had happened for me to go back and I couldn't see the way forward. I wondered if I should be in some way responsible for the unravelling of this step. Make something happen. But then I didn't know what to do or where to go. So I sat, waiting, knowing that the sadness will pass over time, as will the fear and one day I might totally forget that for a period of time I came home every night, came straight to bed and curled up in a ball, till I woke the next day to continue along the same pattern.

I live in a fantasy world. A world that seems to exists only in my imagination. A world brought to life only on the black and white screens of the television. I only know it in the world of 'Casablanca', 'A bride for Henry', 'Pillow Talk', my good old favourite 'Gone With the Wind' and I can’t leave out 'Sabrina'. I have only seen it with the likes of Cary Grant, Fred Astaire and Humphrey Bogart. This world seems to have died alongside the greys that once used to grace our televisions.

I recently separated from someone very close to me. No, it wasn't a romantic relationship. It was something much more meaningful. It was a friendship. A friendship I had assumed would go on for our lifetimes. It wasn't a smooth separation, it was harsh and unexpected. It was a jagged cut, so I guess it’s taking just a bit longer to heal. Though I am not sure that you can ever fully recover from losing such a friendship, but maybe the fact that I miss her is clouding my judgment.